Kim's Blog

​Many years ago, a family I knew and admired moved across the country to pursue a great opportunity for one of the parents. It was a prestigious new role that included advanced training in their field. Their spouse also found a new and exciting role that was also a step up in leadership and challenge. Both parents thrived, until they didn’t.

In this instance, she followed him. She excelled in her job as a director, overseeing several managers and their teams. Her team loved her, and she effectively led them to consistently achieve great results for the company.

This couple also had two young children, long commutes, and expensive daycare with which to contend. With both parents in high-pressure jobs, it became too much. She mentioned how stressful it was to feel like she had to keep working at night, while she helped the kids get ready for bed, while on vacation, and so on.

We talked about her dilemma and her options. She felt stuck. She felt like she would probably just have to quit her job. She saw no other way. She admitted that although she loved her team, the work of managing people plus her own load was adding too many hours to each week. She felt like she was missing out on so much of her children’s lives, and she wondered if it was at all worth the sacrifices she’d been making.

I suggested that there might be other options to consider. We brainstormed about whether her boss or her boss’s leader might be receptive to having her shift from director back into a high level individual contributor role. The decision was hers, whether to talk with her leader or not. I mentioned that if she asked and it did not work out, at least she tried and she would know; plus, she was considering leaving anyway.

She decided to ask. Her boss was highly receptive. They made it clear that they valued her expertise and did not want to lose her. Together, they brainstormed a solution and a role that would better fit her work-life needs. She made the switch and continued to enjoy working for this organization for another two years. Then it was time to move again, this time ‘back home’.

* I will reference this post on LinkedIn as well. Feel free to comment here and/or on LinkedIn once it is posted there. Thanks!  --Kim

                                                                                                                                           -- Photo by Sasha Matveeva on Unsplash
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When was the last time you sat by a lake in a chair that was hard to get out of and you were happy and felt relaxed, like you had no place else you had to be, no obligations pressing on your brain? I live in Minnesota, in the northern United States, and I feel the pull of my closest lake far more often than I yield to her.
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Are you working too hard? Too many hours as well? Have you gotten your vaccine(s)? Do you sleep enough? Do you remember your significant other's name?!

Women's Loyalty to Employers Astounds Me

As I work with my executive career coaching clients and talk to former coworkers, family members, and neighbors, I am struck by how many people are working harder than ever. There is a level of loyalty-to-employer among professional women that I see as not being in their best interests. I even see it in women who hate their jobs and/or their bosses. What is up with that?

A good friend of mine once complimented me on something that many resume writing experts try to get us to avoid -- I have always changed jobs when I became unhappy with the work, the bosses, the culture, or all three. This may have made me look like a job-hopper in my first years as a new mother, but I have no regrets.

Along the way, I learned a lot about myself and the world of work. I developed new areas of knowledge, new skills, and new colleagues and friends as well. Shout-out to my dear friend Marianne for calling me brave for quitting jobs! I love you!

Relationships Matter

Some of my all-time favorite people are the women and men with whom I worked in previous organizations. After taking time to recover from the place, I made sure to reconnect with the former coworkers I most adore. You know who you are. Thank you for being my friend all these years.

Are there former coworkers you miss? Contact them and say so!

Self-Care Matters Too

We need to take better care of ourselves and our planet. If we cannot do it for ourselves, then maybe we can trick ourselves into saying we need to 'do' self-care so we can take care of our loved ones -- whatever works. You run the risks of feeling depleted and resentful, getting sick and burned out, if you wait to do any relaxing until after you finish up this one last big project, this one client pitch... fill in the blank here. Please be good to you. And stop working so hard!

I have been listening to a lot of music this year, mostly to keep me company while I do mundane tasks around the house. One of my favorite songs lately is Mary Chapin Carpenter's, A Place in the World.
Here are the lyrics:

What I'm looking for after all this time
Keeps me moving forward, trying to find it
Since I learned to walk, all I've done is run
Ready, on my mark, doesn't everyone
Need a place in the world?
Could be right before your very eyes
Just beyond a door that's open wide
Could be far away or in your own backyard
There are those who say you can look too hard
For your place in the world
Takes some of us a little longer
A few false starts gonna make you stronger
When I'm sure I've finally found it
Gonna wrap these arms all around it
Could be one more mile or just one step back
In a lover's smile, down a darkened path
Friends will take our side, enemies will curse us
But to be alive is to know your purpose
It's your place in the world
Your place in the world
Your place in the world

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Mary Carpenter
A Place in the World lyrics: Mary Chapin Carpenter, DBA Why Walk Music.

I hope you are doing OK or even better, in whatever place in the world you currently occupy. I hope you and your loved ones are well, staying safe, and finding ways to stay centered or grounded.

​Please know that no matter how you are feeling and responding these days to the challenges you face, you are responding normally to abnormal situations. I took the above header phrase from the second last sentence of this short Greater Good article (Q & A) with a psychiatrist:

Tips for Calming Your Pandemic Stress

I found this article by searching for information on how much we humans need social support. When I am feeling my worst and/or my busiest, that is when I most need time with friends. However, that is also the time when I am less likely to call people or to ask them to get together. This was true before the pandemic, and now there are new complexities and layers of weirdness attached to socializing!

How about you? Has your need for time with friends and/or family changed from before the pandemic? What changes have you made in your social life during the pandemic, and are those changes working for you? If not, what tweaks could you make to be more intentional about getting your (social and other) needs met during this time?

You are not alone, even when you feel alone. There are so many people all over the world who are going through the same or similar thoughts and feelings as you. I hope you are getting your social support needs met. If not, I hope you make time to reach out to people you care about, for some mutually rewarding discussions about these abnormal times.

At the beginning of the month, a teacher friend of mine was allowed back into school to retrieve the rest of her belongings from her classroom. She had not been there since mid-March of 2020. An administrator checked her into the building per their protocol, and she started walking down the hall. While walking, she just started to cry. "My body was crying, and my brain was so surprised, wondering what was happening!" She gave herself permission to keep crying and then sobbing once she was inside her classroom. She later told me, "I realized what I had taken for granted, in that school, with the students I love. My body was grieving the loss of all of that time in person with them."

In my back yard yesterday morning, my friend told me this story. After she left, I went in the house and asked Google to play, "It's Alright to Cry" by Rosie Greer, part of the 1972 Marlo Thomas album, Free to Be You and Me. One daughter liked it, the other one not so much.

With the pandemic and ongoing racial injustices and racist systems, I am more aware than ever of my white privilege. I am not usually able to 'allow' myself to be sad or to feel loss for very long. But Rosie Greer is right -- It's alright to cry. Part of having self-compassion is being able to acknowledge the things we are sad about or have lost, even if we know that we have it easier than so many other people. When is the last time you cried?

Caring for Yourself and Others

I know you have what it takes for you to keep going in these trying times. Best wishes with your work, relationships, responsibilities, challenges, and joys.
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When you are feeling overwhelmed, please consider the value of doing "Bare Minimum" as a way of coping, saving energy, staying sane, etc. This is something I feel compelled to bring up with certain clients, especially women who self-identify as perfectionistic and/or workaholic! Bare Minimum involves doing considerably less than what you would typically do for a work project, task, favor, etc.

How often do you go above and beyond what your boss, team, family, or other people in your work-life expect? What toll does keeping up that level of performance take on you -- physically, mentally, and socially? Might there be certain projects or tasks for which you can do less work? How would that feel? In what ways might that free you up? What impact would that have on your body, mind, and spirit? What would you do instead with the time you free up for yourself?

Independent of how long this pandemic lasts, we are (or can be) in control of how we approach our work and other life roles. What can you do to improve your overall well-being, in ways that only you will likely notice and that won't get you anywhere near fired?! Practice "Bare Minimum", tell a friend about it, and see how it goes!